Caregiving is often the cornerstone of family; for many of us, our parents are our first caregivers. If we’re lucky enough to make it to an advanced age, our children might one day return that care toward the end of our lives. But what happens when a child needs care beyond the expected range? How does that impact our caregivers? Join host Jennie Brooks and Nora Huggins, a project coordinator in Booz Allen’s Civil Sector, as we explore those very questions. Stay tuned to find out how Nora tends to her own wellness, and why it’s so important for caregivers everywhere to understand that they are not alone. Episode 1 of our 2024 Wellness Series: https://unstoppabletogether.simplecast.com/episodes/exploring-wellness-what-is-it-and-who-is-it-for
Caregiving is often the cornerstone of family; for many of us, our parents are our first caregivers. If we’re lucky enough to make it to an advanced age, our children might one day return that care toward the end of our lives. But what happens when a child needs care beyond the expected range? How does that impact our caregivers? Join host Jennie Brooks and Nora Huggins, a project coordinator in Booz Allen’s Civil Sector, as we explore those very questions. Stay tuned to find out how Nora tends to her own wellness, and why it’s so important for caregivers everywhere to understand that they are not alone.
Episode 1 of our 2024 Wellness Series: https://unstoppabletogether.simplecast.com/episodes/exploring-wellness-what-is-it-and-who-is-it-for
Jennie Brooks:
Welcome to Booz Allen Hamilton's Unstoppable Together Podcast, a series of stories that unite us and empower each of us to change the world. I'm Jennie Brooks with Booz Allen Hamilton and I'm passionate about diversity, equity, and inclusion. Please join me in conversation with the diverse group of thought leaders to explore what makes them and all of us unstoppable.
Hello, everyone. Welcome to the Unstoppable Together Podcast. I'm your host, Jennie Brooks, and today I'm joined by Nora Huggins. Nora is a project coordinator in Booz Allen's civil sector as well as a wellness champion. She's also served as a personal trainer, a private school principal, and a caregiver, among many other roles. Nora, welcome to the podcast.
Nora Huggins:
Thank you, Jennie. Thanks for having me.
Jennie:
Thanks for being here with us today. We're talking about caregiving and its impact on wellness. According to the ARP, the unpaid care provided by family members was valued at 600 billion in the year 2021, which was a $130 billion increase from 2019. If we're being real, the impact of caregiving on a caregiver goes far beyond just a dollar amount or an hourly rate. Caregiving can, in very real terms, have an impact on a caregiver's well-being. Tell us how you think about caregiving and how has this responsibility impacted you?
Nora:
Wow, those numbers kind of hit me. I wish I could get paid for that. But anyway, we'll jump [inaudible 00:01:41]. I think caregiving, I thought of, initially we took care of my mother-in-law when she was at the end of her life and we did the hospice and that was hard, but that's how I originally thought of caregiving. And now just with my personal experience with my child, an adult child, just really changed my paradigm to broaden what the definition actually is, and I think it's expanded in my view.
Jennie:
Tell us a little bit about your story, if you wouldn't mind.
Nora:
Sure. I've got a five-year, six years now history with my son, who started off graduating high school, rockstar, ready to go off to Japan, learned the language, went to language school, and things just turned upside down within about a year and a half. Came home and walked with him through psychotic episodes, misdiagnoses, interventions, treatment centers. There goes financial hardships with that. And more treatment centers. And I think why I can even talk about this so freely is currently he is at a home living with other men and doing well, all things considered, but it's still a day-to-day process.
Jennie:
I'm so glad to hear that. So many people, I would imagine, think about caregiving in the traditional sense that you started with at the top of the discussion, which surround an elderly family member nearing the end of life, and everyone sort of has in their mind what that journey might look like. Given the juxtaposition of that experience against what you just shared in terms of caregiving for a child, what have you learned along your journey about caregiving that's surprised you? What are the lessons learned in terms of caregiving, this just very different story as compared to the traditional one we tend to think of?
Nora:
I think how much it actually changes you, the caregiver, in the process, or for me with my child, I think I had to let go of that it has to do with my parenting or my, any my word. This is his journey, this is his life, and this is how I choose to be involved with it. So, it's just like you do make a choice to step in and it just gets a little messy sometimes and it's hard a lot of times.
Jennie:
And when it's hard, tell us a little bit about, we're talking about how it impacts our own wellness.
Nora:
So, there was a lot of things and I think of all the components of wellness. And physically, I continued to, I love to exercise, so that was a good emotional. I walk and I practice yoga. I ended up joining a small group of women that I really didn't want to at first. One of my friends knew that I was struggling a little and she encouraged me, and it turned into a really beneficial outlet for me. And then mentally I didn't seek counseling and I used Booz Allen's EAP, among other avenues. I was able to share with my husband and a few close friends my rollercoaster thoughts and feelings because you have them and they're real. And so, it's nice to have a few. Socially, I gave myself permission to retreat when I needed to, but also push myself to be around people who were going to not ask too many questions, but just be pretty good listeners.
Not many people have the exact same experience you do. At least that was my case. But they loved me, and they ended up loving my child through it all as well. And then spiritually, it was just, I was confused many times and discouraged, but I always returned to my prayer time and just hanging on to hope that all things are coming new and tomorrow's a new day.
Jennie:
First of all, thank you. I've also found that drawing from our employee support resources, in our case, Booz Allen has been tremendously beneficial. So many resources that we have access to, as I would certainly echo, and anyone listening particularly at Booz Allen or at other firms, to draw from those resources. I myself have used them and every time I've used them, I've found them to be tremendously beneficial in navigating complex circumstances.
You mentioned talking with people and that's something that resonated with me because we advocate sharing our story as a means to better understand people we're working with and where they come from and what they might be working through on any given point. But I've also found in my experience, sometimes when you share with people, then it trips a little bit of more activity. Then you have people checking in constantly saying, "How are you? What's the latest? I need to know." And that's a whole 'nother level of management for a caregiver around I appreciate the support and help, or I appreciate the support and people being interested in what's going on, but it's a whole 'nother level of having to manage.
Nora:
So true, so true. Yeah, I can relate to that. Work was a really neat place for me to come because very few people knew at work. My supervisor, who was amazing and just said anytime, anywhere, family always first. For me, it was my little retreat. I got to come and actually control something when life really felt out of control, meaning I could check boxes and do tasks and have meetings and not talk about the issues that were so just in my face otherwise in my home or sitting down with my husband. So, few select people would check in on me regularly, and that seemed to be the perfect mix.
Jennie:
During the pandemic, many caregivers ended up leaving the workforce en mass. And we had kids at home and working from home and it just was too great a burden for so many people to bear, try and do both. You just mentioned sort of work becoming a productive distraction and a little bit of a space away from the personal challenges that you were working through with your son. What other, if any, insights did you have around how it impacted or involved your career, the idea of being a caregiver, for a child in this case who's facing very complex circumstances, and having a career?
Nora:
Well, when this all started happening, I had just finished the year of COVID as the school principal. So, you talk about fun stress. No. And I think I was so shot out from the reality of what was going on in my own home. So that case, the stress level at work, and a few people knew it. I don't even know if I knew the extent of how bad it was at home. I just knew it was bad. But I was at work so much you don't see it. So, I would say I was in that level where that wasn't healthy then. I wasn't fixing anything. And I did step back and say, "I need to focus on home." So, I'm probably one of those people who did step away in that area and say, "I have to prioritize my family."
And so, it did impact that greatly and it allowed me to dig in more and to spend more time getting educated myself. Mental health was not part of my history, not part of anything I understood, psychotic episodes. I didn't know what to do. And you get a lot of different advice from a lot of different people and it's hard to navigate that because, as you know, each individual is so unique. Each human being, their journey and their process with mental health and what their struggles are, there's no two alike, I don't think. So, it's just finding that right, what does this person need today.
Jennie:
In the moment.
Nora:
Yeah.
Jennie:
[inaudible 00:10:57].
Nora:
And you have to allow yourself to be vulnerable and not have your agenda. I'm a big, I like to control things. I like agendas and I like a plan for tomorrow, but at that point we were just trying to make it through moment by moment.
Jennie:
How has this experience influenced your thoughts or your views on things like diversity, equity, inclusion?
Nora:
I tell you; it's been great in that respect because I just feel like I look at even younger engineers out there, something that I just see. I just see this whole person that is unique and different, and I don't know a fraction of their life. And so, I really try to be a good listener, listen a lot more, try to ask and have a conversation like we are right now where you can just help them understand themselves even a little bit more. So that's my goal. I feel like I'm much more open to, especially the mental health or ADHD and that arena, just because that's what has touched my life and that's what happens.
Jennie:
That's so helpful. For those listening, can you share with us a little bit about the navigation of this journey? I mean, for us it's at Booz Allen obviously. What does that look like in terms of how you navigated this role of being a caregiver at Booz Allen?
Nora:
I had it a little bit probably easier than others because my husband had retired, so he had a little bit more freedom with his schedule for doctors' appointments and for transportation and for calling different centers. But I navigated it by setting the priorities of the calls I need to make, the people I need to talk to, pre-planning, try to give work what they expect. My responsibilities as a principal, they were great. In this role, it was lesser. So I would even say consider possibly stepping back a little bit and giving yourself a little breathing room to not have all the responsibilities or not push yourself for the next training session during this time because you're going to be educating yourself on so many other aspects and trying to care for yourself in so many other ways that if you had a very, very stressful job, something gives.
And usually for me, I ended up having what I thought they thought was an ulcer. And now I went back to the doctor a year and a half later and they're like, "Well, how's that pain?" And I was like, "What pain?" It just went away, and I forgot I even had it, but it was very real. I mean, I'd be walking down the hall and just have to stop and hold and just because of the pain. So, your physical body is going to show you that things are going on, even though on the outside you're still like you're rocking it.
Jennie:
Right, absolutely. For those listening, I think I would never wish on any parents have a child that's just been robbed of health and happiness and nothing but that early on in life. So, I really, really respect parents who are learning and having to face those challenges earlier. I think for those folks who face caregiving at the traditional journey that we've talked about, to an elderly parent maybe reach their nineties, and that's your first foray into caregiving, it's such a gift really. It's just such a gift. But you are introduced to the idea that at some point, could be earlier, could be later, but eventually everyone is going to face having a loved one who may be going through a complex circumstance, a disability, a need for care. So, for those, wherever they might be in the journey of facing the role of being a caregiver, what would you offer to them to consider? I mean, surely someone who's listening to this is facing stepping into the caregiver role. So, what would you offer them to consider for themselves, for their wellness?
Nora:
It is hard to think about caring for yourself during that time because you want to use all your energy, all your free time to fix the other person or to help them get well. But if you're not taking care of yourself, you're going to be a mess. So, I would say find what allows you to breathe in a space of, and I'm not talking being giddy or joyful, but just where do you find some peace and seek that out, even if it's just for a minute at a time, that it doesn't have to be this hour retreat or anything. And start your day just with that little bit of peace of breathing slowly and just being prepared for what the day is to come. And so, take that time, consider what you would tell your best friend. A lot of times we're pretty hard on ourselves, but what would you tell your best friend if they were going through this? And the words are often different that would come to mind.
And working on relationship too versus fixing the problem, to look at that whole person. And that's part of that diversity, that this person isn't who I dreamt, my dreams for this child who I've had from birth. So, everything's changed. And so don't say you have no dreams, I would recommend. I had to redefine my dreams for my child and learn what that means. Because as your dreams get crushed, there seems like there's nothing, that you're a failure because your parenting didn't produce this amazing child that you thought, or whatever. But they are. They are. That's the thing.
Often with mental illness, especially for him during this unmedicated time, there's words spoken, there's actions taken that are just hard and devastating as a parent to hear. But once you are educated and realize that that's the illness talking, this isn't the person. And once you find some balance, and I do pray for those who are not in the balance yet, that they can hang on and just continually set boundaries, but also try to help them try something new, try something different. If something's not working, talk to different people. People think they have the answer and it's not always the right answer, like I said before, for your situation.
Jennie:
I imagine the process of grieving; I think you said shattered dreams.
Nora:
Yeah.
Jennie:
So, your child graduates high school and is off and running to that next phase, it's a massive rite of passage. I'm going through it with my son Jack this year. He graduates high school.
Nora:
Oh, it's fun.
Jennie:
Right, such an amazing time. And then you find that it's going to be different than what you might have imagined it was going to be. And so, you're grieving, the sort of picture shatters, like you said, the dream shatters, and then you are re-imagining and redefining that dream. I imagine that's a fairly long process. Maybe it's ongoing. I don't know. Were there moments through that journey for you? Were you would just like okay, and you kind of grounded in the shift, and it was like, what does that look like for... Is there one or two things that you found really helped you do that, or do you think it was really just passage of time and working with your therapist and the yoga and the meditation, all the things?
Nora:
I think in every situation, I mean, I remember one time going to visit and there was the refusal of any kind of hug, and he was always the greatest hugger in the world. The crushed feeling. And then I had to shift my thinking just to say, "Okay, what is the blessing today?" The blessing, first of all for me, was that he was alive, that that was the blessing. He was alive. And he didn't want to hug today. And did that crush me as a mom? For sure. I hadn't seen him in a long time. So, try to see the little blessings that you think shouldn't even be a blessing. But it is for you today, for you today.
Jennie:
That's the one to hold on to. It's one to grab.
Nora:
Yep. Yep. And even now, we sit, we talk, we take walks, we share. We're at a very different time and place with, but it's been six years, so we've been all over the place.
Jennie:
I really want to thank you for sharing your story and his and honor that it's his story as well. And just thank you because I think it'll be so helpful to people who are listening, particularly parents. At the end of every podcast, we leave some space for our guests to share their final thoughts with those listening. What would you like to leave us with today? Hard to follow with what you just shared. Grabbing the gratitude and the blessing that you have in that moment. I loved that.
Nora:
So, within that, it requires a pause instead of a solution, an immediate reaction. Try to not react as much as just, so allow yourself a pause, let go of pride, your own pride, especially with regard to a child. It's not about you, it's about them. And then everyone has a story and that it's probably not what you see on the outside.
And so maybe just don't be so quick to judge others because they have a story and just, well, my attitude always is like, if I can help one person, then it's all worth it. It's part of what I feel like my, not even a responsibility, but my privilege, really, to do. It's like you're not alone. I guess I wanted to say that too. It feels very lonely. You feel like you're in a silo. And then sometimes you are, but you're not. And I want people to not feel alone trying to love people through things. So, thank you so much.
Jennie:
Thank you, Nora. Thank you to all caregivers out there listening everywhere.
Nora:
Yes, absolutely.
Jennie:
Thanks for listening. Visit careers.boozallen.com to learn how you can be unstoppable with Booz Allen. Be the future. Work with us. The world can't wait.